What Lies Beneath (1 of 3): Appearances vs. Appreciation

So for anyone who doesn’t know, I made a bet with one of my science classes one year that if 70% of the students in the class scored a 70% or better on their end-of-the-year test, then I would:

1. grow out my hair for the rest of the school year (which would be something like 5-6 weeks and a big deal for me since I tend to buzz it almost every other week), and
2. dye it a color of their choice during the last week of school.

Long-story-short, they missed the percentage by one person, but I went ahead and did it anyway; purple won the vote by a landslide, and this is the shade I chose:

The icing on the cake was that one of the students suggested that I grow my facial hair out, too, so I did; I didn’t shave for over a month (the longest ever for me by far).

On the night after the last day of school, my hair had been dyed for about a week. Suddenly, no longer being bound by my agreement with my students, the prospect of having the freedom to cut my hair was upon me.

To be honest, I enjoyed it.

No, not the fifty billion times I’ve been asked, “Why is your hair blue?” (Unfortunately, it came out more of an indigo color.):

No, not that. Rather, it’s the act of having done something completely different with my (otherwise) unassuming appearance.

I know; I’m boring. Well, at least at first glance...

But one of the things that I like about my plain manner of dress is precisely that it’s not outwardly appealing. I mean, I’d be more likely to blend in with the crowd as opposed to stand out – that is, unless my freshly shaved head happens to catch someone’s eye. (Bald is beautiful! Haha, just kidding.)

And I like it that way.

First, it’s low maintenance. Throwing on jeans, a t-shirt, and sneakers – without having to worry about my hair – is incredibly pragmatic. The only thing more utilitarian would be to pull an Einstein and wear the same clothes every day (or at least identical sets of the same clothes lol).

Second, it’s plain. The fact that my appearance doesn’t really stand out allows what’s truly important about me to shine through: my heart, my mind, my personality, and my character. You know, all those intangible qualities that you can’t measure with a dollar sign because, like the MasterCard commercials reiterate all the time, they’re “priceless”:

Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within... which is so precious to God. (1 Peter 3:3-4)

The above verse deals with jewelry and the outward appearances regarding styled hair, jewelry, and clothes, but it doesn’t say that those things, in-and-of-themselves, are wrong. It just means that those things won’t be good for winning the hearts of others (see 1 Peter 3:1).

CONNECTION vs. SHALLOWNESS, and APPRECIATION vs. DISMISSAL

Being in a school and working with kids also gives me an outsider’s perspective on how we treat each other when we’re younger – and, for a large part, this is based heavily on appearance.

Quick side note: some kids don’t grow out of this as they “grow up,” so this can go for adults as well:

Alright, I’ll just go ahead and put it out there:

Some kids are so unbelievably shallow that it’s disgusting.

I thought about saying “appalling” instead of “disgusting,” but I’d rather not mince words.

Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t go for all of them, because there are a lot great kids, too.

However, some don’t really care about anything beneath the surface, and your value in their eyes is largely determined by brand-name shirts and shoes, hemp necklaces, hats with stickers, mp3 players, cell phones, and how very much like them you happen to be. This occurs across socio-economic, gender, and racical lines.

Part of me wonders if it’s because they don’t have anything better to do...

But even the kids who are good fall into the “conformity trap” sometimes:

One of the things that I’ve realized – and, to be honest, it took some adults like this for me to realize it – is that people who are shallow enjoy life less.

Let me explain.

For the people who judge – and dismiss – each other based mainly on the exterior (or the trivial), they never get a chance to know someone for who they really are.

Okay, so someone doesn’t wear a particular brand of clothing, or they don’t wear it a certain way. Really, though, that’s “small potatoes” – or, more accurately, onions – because most people have multiple “layers” that they gradually unfold and let others into. As the depth of the friendship increases, so does the strength of the connection between the hearts of those involved, and the only way to discover the treasure of others’ hearts is to give it a shot and let them in:

Let me say something real quick here: Never, never, never underestimate the power of enjoying the “little things” with someone.

Those little things that, in your eyes, don’t really mean a whole lot, may be just enough for someone else to build a bridge between the two of you over which they feel comfortable enough to cross and open up to you:

Ken used to be the IT guy at the school where I teach. When he would come by to work on my computer, I would make a point to talk to him instead of doing something else while waiting for him to finish.

One day he came up to me and asked where I lived; it turns out that he needed a ride home. My commute is about 40 minutes, so it’s not a short distance, which means that providing a ride home for him would be a significant commitment.

Did I mention that he said he wasn’t leaving until 5pm? I had to be at work around 7, so that made it a 10-hour day for me.

I’d also be willing to bet that I was the first person he asked simply because I was intentional about making a connection with him.

Now, I’m not sharing the story to brag; in fact, I don’t really want to share it because I don’t want to seem like I’m toting how great I am (I’m not).

I’m sharing this because it’s a great example of what it looks like for someone to feel comfortable enough with you to “cross the bridge” and be vulnerable enough to ask for help.

ENJOYMENT

But if you don’t appreciate people for who they really are, it prevents you from enjoying all (or even some) that they may have to offer. And even if they don’t offer to unburden the depths of their soul to you, lots will still offer more than only the surface-layer stuff when they feel truly accepted and loved.

There’s nothing quite like having people who just get you in your life, who appreciate you for being you:

If you want a more grown-up version of this, just look at the theme song from Cheers:

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name

And they’re always glad you came (i.e., they appreciate you being there)

You wanna be where you can see

Our troubles are all the same

You want to be where everybody knows your name

In other words, people enjoy being valued for who they are, and they’ll naturally gravitate toward a person/group where they feel the most acceptance. I mean, why would you stay where you’re tolerated when you can go to where you’re celebrated?

So when I realized this about the adults I was hanging out with, instead of judging them for their unaccepting disposition (which, I will admit, not judging others is a work in progress for me), I felt sorry for them. Especially because they won’t be able to enjoy the full uniqueness of others because they see peculiarities as quirks/blemishes instead of the “good stuff” that makes each and every one of us unique:

I mean, even people who have the exact same personality are completely unique. I can say this for certain because I’ve met several sets of what I refer to as “personality twins” who have practically identical mannerisms, speech patterns, etc.:

• My high school psychology teacher was most certainly a character, and he was extraordinarily loved by his students because of it. However, the extroverted timeshare salesman who strongly reminded me of him just wasn’t quite the same because he was unique in his own right.
• The guy from a church I used to go to still had a separate identity for all the life experiences and quirks that made him him, even though he had the same personality and laugh as one of my college roommates who commissioned into the military.
• And the parent of a student who instantly reminded me of my brother-in-law in how he spoke and interacted with others, although similar, was, at the same time, completely different from him.

As a friend of mine – and this is someone that I used to tease all the time for being “high maintenance” – once said:

“Yes, but to love me is to love everything about me – even those things you see as my little quirks.”

To quote one of the girls in the youth group at my church:

Why do we try so hard to be perfect when the people who think we are perfect love us because we aren’t perfect? (Thanks, Monica!)

“People call these things ‘imperfections,’ but they’re not. Oh, that’s the good stuff.”

SO WHERE AM I GOING WITH ALL THIS?

When I thought about how I was now free to cut my hair as I wished, a thought – you could say it was a temptation – crossed my mind. It was something along the lines of...

If I cut my purple hair, then what will I have that will make me unique?

And for a second, I considered keeping it:

Don’t’ get me wrong, because cutting it was always a sure thing; it was just a matter of time (though a little longer than 0.68 seconds lol). This is mainly because I like how not having any hair feels and I wouldn’t (regularly) go to the trouble of coloring it like that.

For one thing, it’s a refusal to live by the appearances-are-the-most-important-thing mentality that so many people choose to embrace. And in that sense, I’ll “drive” myself, thank-you-very-much:

Esse Quam Videri, as the saying goes:

To be, rather than to appear.

But no, not just that. Anything that you make room for in your life has the potential to make a place for itself in your heart.

I remember a few years ago when, ironically, I had grown my hair out and actually maintained it at a length where I had to go get the first haircut I’d had in over a decade in order to keep it long enough to style.

During spring break, I went to visit my alma mater and scheduled a time to meet with the chaplain who had mentored me during college. During our conversation, he spontaneously placed his hands on my head to pray for me.

You know what the first thing that ran through my mind was?

“No, he didn’t just put his hands on my hair!”

And I knew right then that it had to go.

As Henry David Thoreau said,

Men have become 'tools' of their tools.

Or, to put it another way, “The things you ‘own’ end up ‘owning’ you”:

Don’t get me wrong: I’ll be the first to admit that I look better with hair – especially if it’s spiked a bit. However, I know that the true “gold” of me lies beneath the surface, not from whatever appearance I may or may not have at the moment, and this simply forces those around me to look deeper for what is truly important.

Which reminds me of a conversation I had with a cashier at Target:

I was standing in line behind a woman who was talking to the cashier while having her items rung up. During the conversation, the cashier mentioned that she had bought a pair of jeans that cost $135, and would spend almost $80 on only a few items of makeup.

Trying to speak something positive to her heart, I commented that “real beauty is on the inside,” which she (unfortunately) dismissed. She essentially said that, because she’s “anti-social,” she must present an outer beauty, “otherwise how will anyone know that I’m beautiful?”

You see, she wasn’t secure in the beauty that was in her heart, and so she felt compelled to present her “made up” outward beauty as a substitute.

It wasn’t enough for her to be beautiful simply for the sake of being beautiful as God created her; she felt compelled to go looking for validation of her (outer/false) beauty from others.

Politicians know that lots of people judge based on looks, which is why they focus so heavily on their appearance:

That saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover”? That’s because lots of people do judge books (and others) based primarily on their covers/appearance.

Am I saying it’s wrong to be beautiful/handsome on the outside? Absolutely not.

Is it acceptable to have a sharp manner of dress?

Absolutely.

Just don’t become attached to it:

It's when those ravishing good looks (or style of clothing) are used as a substitute for who you were originally created to be, then they become false because they are not the truest thing about you – but more on that in Part 2...

Some Thoughts on Shaving from Someone Who's Not a Fan of It

I'll be honest: the only reason I'm clean-shaven on my face is because I hate having facial hair more.

I hate shaving -- or, at least having to shave -- but I hate having facial hair more.

I suppose that it doesn't help that I don't have a lot of facial hair (it's not really thick). Apparently it's so sparse that, according to a good friend who has used make-up techniques to help other guys' beards seem more full, I "don't even have enough to work with," even if I wanted to grow it out.

One day, while expressing my frustration about shaving and looking for a long-term solution for my loathing of this grooming chore, a buddy of mine  -- who was completely oblivious to my dilemma -- sent me the website Dollar Shave Club:

I had previously been using my electric razor every 2 days or so (I can get away without shaving for a day and no one really notices, so of course I don't shave every day).

But I was looking for something different -- not really sure what -- and here's this Whisper (Sacred Romance reference) calling me in the direction to transition to a razor and shaving cream.

Pffff.

Dismissal of the idea with a casual wave of the hand.

No way I'm going in that direction; it's more inconvenient than using my electric razor, and what I'm looking for -- now that I think about it -- is something easier.

Never mind the fact that "easy doesn't enter into adult life" (The Weatherman).

So I cut my hair last week and you would never guess what happened.

No really; go ahead and see if you can guess what happened.

I'll give you a hint: I always make sure to shave when I cut my hair.

Can't figure it out? Yeah, I wouldn't have guessed, either.

My electric razor broke.

Oh, no.

What actually happened is that the "on" button you're supposed to push in to make it slide up and turn on got "stuck" in the "3" position (the furthest spot up that activates the secondary trimmer) so that I couldn't turn it off.

I finished using it the best I could, but then I had to let it sit on the sink -- as if it were in time-out because it had done something wrong (as opposed to user-error for not following the Wild Goose) -- and let the battery run down.

It was like a kid crying because they were bad and had to sit in the corner or go to their room: it was an untenable situation and I was helpless to intervene and make things right.

My electric shaver is out of commission; he threw a pitch and pulled his shoulder.

"Give me the righty!" The coach calls to the bullpen for his relief pitcher..

Enter the good ol' low-tech Gillette shaving cream and Mach 3 sampler that I happened to have and kept stored in a box with my excess toiletries.

I've had to use it for the last week or so, and of course, as with any change, there's a sense of loss for what used to be the status quo because -- let's face it -- we get used to things how they are and we're averse to change (for the most part).

But today I realized something.

First, I wasn't ever taught how to shave. I imagine that many men today aren't. My dad kept a trimmed beard and used an electric on his neck, so I never learned how to shave from him.

Then you get to factor in the reality of me not having a lot of facial hair (I was a late bloomer and didn't really have to shave until college), and it's no surprise that I never learned how to shave.

I've had an electric razor pretty much all my life. I bought a really nice Braun during college, and it lasted for almost a decade (until it broke last week).

You ever have one of those times where you feel God prompting you on something, and then you're like, "No way"?

This was one of those times.

And then I was kicked out of the proverbial eagle's nest and forced to (learn how to) fly.

And with any change that one is forced (against their will) to accept, I pouted.

At first.

But then I realized that it's not as bad as I figured.

I'm (sort-of voluntarily) shaving (what I would now call "shaving" as opposed to just "cutting facial hair") for the first time in my life. And I'm 30.

And then I had some questions.

Why are you supposed to shave with the grain and not against it? Wouldn't that make more sense?

So I did what pretty much anyone does when they have a question: I went to the most all-knowing source I knew of.

That's right. I Googled it lol.

And I came across something that dealt with wet shaving.

I saw this term, wet shaving, on an info graphic on one of my favorite websites, I Waste So Much Time, last week as well (it's #6, although a lot of the info on there is good stuff):

So I started looking into that. And I stumbled upon this post from Today.com about shaving.

I learned more in 10 minutes than I had in 30 years.

Because Someone was fathering me through an area of my life where I had previously been a (very unhappy) orphan -- prompting me to go in a direction that would bring me more life.

Yes, I was pushed into this, "kicking and screaming" (to quote Tyler Durden), but I'm realizing that the grass on this side of the fence is a lot greener than I thought. (Of course it is, when your Father goes before you to prepare it for you, Deuteronomy 31:8.)

Just today, I ended up cutting my hair and shaving after my shower (usually it's hair, shave, then shower).

For part of the wet shave, your facial hair has to soak up the water, which causes the hair to soften and makes it easier to cut instead of practically ripping it out of your face when it's dry.

I had to rinse my face afterward since I had already showered (the shower would normally rinse the excess shaving cream off for me).

Yes, it was inconvenient.

Yes, it took up more of my time.

But I felt so much better after a haircut and a good shave (my "whiskers" had grown out for several days).

And this came to mind:

I would add "grooming" to the list of eating and exercising; you feel better about yourself when you take care of yourself and show yourself some love. You end up taking more pride about who you are (which explains why I always feel better about myself after I cut my hair).

And that's what really hit me today: the "inconvenience" of having to slow down and pay attention to what I was doing -- instead of just running an electric razor all over my face -- forced me to be more present (Peaceful Warrior reference) to, and take more care in, what I was doing.

Living on autopilot is somewhat of a habit of mine, and so anything that breaks this up is a "welcome inconvenience," if you will.

That, and I realized that wet shaving is the men's grooming equivalent of operating a straight-drive: it's just more masculine, and it's more unplugged from the Matrix of this world's artificially created realities (more on that another time).

Will I sign up for Dollar Shave Club? I don't know. In the short term, probably.

In the long term, getting a badger-hair brush and a real double-edged safety razor -- or even a straight razor -- may be somewhere down the road, but I have yet to come upon that part of the path with the One who is leading and fathering me in these unfinished places in my life...

Need For Speed: Most Wanted. "Start some trouble."

So I was on YouTube looking up a music video and the following commercial popped up:

First off, the commercial is incredibly fun. Well done, EA. Well done.

But what about the success of the Need for Speed franchise? I mean, it’s been an incredibly successful video game (they have about three times the number of releases as the Grand Theft Auto series).

But what’s the allure? Why the success?

“Well, I have a theory about that.” ~ Dr. Kent Hovind

First, there’s the attraction that guys are wired for adventure. Say what you want, but most extreme sports, stunts, and daredevils have been by men, for men (this also explains why the WNBA is not nearly as popular as the NBA). We love the adrenaline rush from living on the edge and testing our limits.

But from a video game?

How many guys wouldn’t love to take their car on the autobahn in Germany (which has no speed limit for over 10% of the time, although the advised limit is 81 MPH)?

I’m not saying I’d drive like that all the time. To be honest, I do the speed limit about 99% of the time and only do 5 over as the exception rather than the rule.

But I also love what I refer to as “playing in traffic” – finding a group of cars that are speeding and join in with them.

I can hear some parents cringing right now, but I’m being honest and transparent about it; to say that it doesn't make me feel alive would be to deny my very nature as a man. Besides that, there have been too many times where I’ve held my tongue or kept some part of me hidden because someone, somewhere, would have a problem with it.

Hey, I’m just pointing out the elephant in the room. You can choose to ignore it, but it’s better to point it in the right direction so it doesn’t cause unwarranted damage.

Where was I? Oh, yeah...

Guys love adventure.

And in the hum-drum of our daily lives, there’s not a lot of chances to live out our desire for it:

Get up.

Go to work.

Work.

Come home.

Sleep.

Repeat ad infinitum.

Oh – and a little relaxing/indulging on the weekends, whatever that may be for you and yours.

It’s no wonder that so many men hate going to church – there’s no sense of adventure!

We get to-do lists, and morality in the form of rules and requirements and responsibilities.

Don’t get me wrong, because I’m not saying those aren’t important, only that they aren’t enough for a man’s heart.

Just today I was reading in Revolutionary Road (made into a movie with Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet) about how fundamentally unhappy this suburban husband and father was in his life of should and ought-to rules that he had begun to live from.

As Frank Wheeler is thinking back on his life since he’d gotten married, had some kids, been roped into responsibilities he never intended to get involved with (or been shouldered with prematurely), this rises up in his heart:

What the hell kind of a life was this? What in God’s name was the point or the meaning or the purpose of a life like this?

He’d been sucked into a life with no adventure -- just existing.

Disclaimer: Seeking adventure doesn't replace responsibilities as a husband and/or father, but you don't have to live your life only fulfilling those responsibilities...

As the comic strip Shoe lamented just the other day:

Cosmo (above) has checked out and given in to resignation. He's given up fighting and thrown in the towel.

To quote Killian Jones from Once Upon A Time...

"A man unwilling to fight for what he wants deserves what he gets."

I'm not saying you have to fight for everything, but if you don't even pick up the hypothetical sword to at least attempt to go after it... Well, you get what you get.

Other men don't give in to resignation, though; they get angry. To put it into Fight Club terms (which is a cult classic with men, by the way):

Where Am I Going With All This?

See, this is the point in the blog where I’m supposed to tell you where to find adventure.

But to find that out, you have to watch the following clip (the part I’m referring to is 5:09-5:33):

“There is one place you have not looked.”

He’s referring to the inside, in your heart.

If you want adventure, you have to look for what you love – what makes you come alive – and go and do that.

For me -- and this is just for me, since it will look different for every man and that's okay -- a lot of it comes through physical activity by working out, but also through coaching middle school wrestling, being involved in others' lives, writing, playing drums, spending time outside.

It doesn't have to be dangerous stuff, but the point is that men are made for adventure; it is, in one way, shape, or form, hard-wired into your deep, masculine heart. To deny it is to repress it and force it to re-emerge in ways that you wouldn't expect (or probably want).

To harness it, though, and see what it will do and where it will take you...

That's where the fun begins.

Quick Word of Warning

Don’t be deceived by false adventures, though. Look for something authentic and lasting (video games and just about anything on the internet falls in the category of false adventures, *cough* Farmville *cough*).

Get away from the TV.

Get away from the computer.

Shoot, get away from the cell phone and iPod.

Go find something that gives you soul space where you can come alive.

And have some fun with it. :-)