Ashamed to Take a Sick Day

It’s Monday, and I’m taking a sick day.

No, not a “mental health” day (although sometimes those are desperately needed).

A legit, “I feel like absolute crap” sick day.

And I’m embarrassed by it. I’m embarrassed to express the vulnerability – the weakness – of needing to say, “I can’t do this today.”

I’m a grown man, and so of course I should soldier on and go to work. Right???

Because hey: “dad’s don’t take sick days”:

Part of the reason I don’t like taking sick days is because there’s also this assumption/stereotype that when men get sick, they become babies:

Why is that? Why all the male-bashing?

Unfortunately, men have learned (the hard way) not to open up. Not to our friends, not to our girlfriends & wives, etc. So we keep it in.

We keep everything in.

Because let's face it, a man isn't worth anything if he can't produce income, make something of himself (is this why Paul so that he who doesn't work is worse than a nonbeliever? 1 Timothy 5:8). We love the concept of a self-made man in America but everyone is a product of the company they keep.

So could it be that, when we are sick and physically weak – when we are finally allowed to be vulnerable – that the floodgates burst and we become almost incapacitated (according to the stereotype)?

Here’s my question: How sick do I have to be to feel okay about taking a day off? How weak do I need to be to confess, “I can’t come to work today”?

• My head throbs with no movement and aches even worse with any movement whatsoever (for which taking headache meds).
• My nose runs so bad that it drips with little-to-no warning (taking pseudo-fed, using a vapor rub, and a Vick’s “inhaler” laced with menthol).
• My throat is so scratchy that I make every attempt possible to minimize talking in order to avoid coughing (so much so that it makes me want to throw back cough drops like nobody’s business).

This is not me complaining; for the most part, I’m a pretty healthy person and I can deal with some things that others can’t and don’t suffer from some things that others do.

(This is not me bragging; I’m simply listing the facts of my health at the moment.)

But I also am not used to being vulnerable enough to allow interdependence – to allow someone else to take care of me, to meet a need that I can’t take care of on my own.

In the wounds we take while growing up (see link for “not to our friends” above), we learn to become very guarded. We don’t open up because we don’t want to become (even more) hurt (than we already are).

For men, taking care of everyone else with no one to take care of us takes quite a toll on our hearts, our mental toughness. Always trudging on because of discipline and not from a core of genuine strength leaves us playing the part without feeling like we can.

So when we become sick, it allows us to truly be ourselves in expressing that weakness. As Stu Sheppard said in Phoneboooth:

“I’ve been dressing up as something I’m not for so long; I’m so afraid you won’t like what’s underneath. But here I am: I’m just flesh and blood. And weakness.”

So let’s stop shaming people for expressing weakness.

Let’s allow people to open up and be vulnerable to receive the relational food – the love – that we all need.

Let’s find ways to empower others to be as self-sufficient as possible.

And let’s look out for one another’s good enough where we can become interdependent and actually need each other.

Need For Speed: Most Wanted. "Start some trouble."

So I was on YouTube looking up a music video and the following commercial popped up:

First off, the commercial is incredibly fun. Well done, EA. Well done.

But what about the success of the Need for Speed franchise? I mean, it’s been an incredibly successful video game (they have about three times the number of releases as the Grand Theft Auto series).

But what’s the allure? Why the success?

“Well, I have a theory about that.” ~ Dr. Kent Hovind

First, there’s the attraction that guys are wired for adventure. Say what you want, but most extreme sports, stunts, and daredevils have been by men, for men (this also explains why the WNBA is not nearly as popular as the NBA). We love the adrenaline rush from living on the edge and testing our limits.

But from a video game?

How many guys wouldn’t love to take their car on the autobahn in Germany (which has no speed limit for over 10% of the time, although the advised limit is 81 MPH)?

I’m not saying I’d drive like that all the time. To be honest, I do the speed limit about 99% of the time and only do 5 over as the exception rather than the rule.

But I also love what I refer to as “playing in traffic” – finding a group of cars that are speeding and join in with them.

I can hear some parents cringing right now, but I’m being honest and transparent about it; to say that it doesn't make me feel alive would be to deny my very nature as a man. Besides that, there have been too many times where I’ve held my tongue or kept some part of me hidden because someone, somewhere, would have a problem with it.

Hey, I’m just pointing out the elephant in the room. You can choose to ignore it, but it’s better to point it in the right direction so it doesn’t cause unwarranted damage.

Where was I? Oh, yeah...

Guys love adventure.

And in the hum-drum of our daily lives, there’s not a lot of chances to live out our desire for it:

Get up.

Go to work.

Work.

Come home.

Sleep.

Repeat ad infinitum.

Oh – and a little relaxing/indulging on the weekends, whatever that may be for you and yours.

It’s no wonder that so many men hate going to church – there’s no sense of adventure!

We get to-do lists, and morality in the form of rules and requirements and responsibilities.

Don’t get me wrong, because I’m not saying those aren’t important, only that they aren’t enough for a man’s heart.

Just today I was reading in Revolutionary Road (made into a movie with Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet) about how fundamentally unhappy this suburban husband and father was in his life of should and ought-to rules that he had begun to live from.

As Frank Wheeler is thinking back on his life since he’d gotten married, had some kids, been roped into responsibilities he never intended to get involved with (or been shouldered with prematurely), this rises up in his heart:

What the hell kind of a life was this? What in God’s name was the point or the meaning or the purpose of a life like this?

He’d been sucked into a life with no adventure -- just existing.

Disclaimer: Seeking adventure doesn't replace responsibilities as a husband and/or father, but you don't have to live your life only fulfilling those responsibilities...

As the comic strip Shoe lamented just the other day:

Cosmo (above) has checked out and given in to resignation. He's given up fighting and thrown in the towel.

To quote Killian Jones from Once Upon A Time...

"A man unwilling to fight for what he wants deserves what he gets."

I'm not saying you have to fight for everything, but if you don't even pick up the hypothetical sword to at least attempt to go after it... Well, you get what you get.

Other men don't give in to resignation, though; they get angry. To put it into Fight Club terms (which is a cult classic with men, by the way):

Where Am I Going With All This?

See, this is the point in the blog where I’m supposed to tell you where to find adventure.

But to find that out, you have to watch the following clip (the part I’m referring to is 5:09-5:33):

“There is one place you have not looked.”

He’s referring to the inside, in your heart.

If you want adventure, you have to look for what you love – what makes you come alive – and go and do that.

For me -- and this is just for me, since it will look different for every man and that's okay -- a lot of it comes through physical activity by working out, but also through coaching middle school wrestling, being involved in others' lives, writing, playing drums, spending time outside.

It doesn't have to be dangerous stuff, but the point is that men are made for adventure; it is, in one way, shape, or form, hard-wired into your deep, masculine heart. To deny it is to repress it and force it to re-emerge in ways that you wouldn't expect (or probably want).

To harness it, though, and see what it will do and where it will take you...

That's where the fun begins.

Quick Word of Warning

Don’t be deceived by false adventures, though. Look for something authentic and lasting (video games and just about anything on the internet falls in the category of false adventures, *cough* Farmville *cough*).

Get away from the TV.

Get away from the computer.

Shoot, get away from the cell phone and iPod.

Go find something that gives you soul space where you can come alive.

And have some fun with it. :-)